Ben Schwartz: How do you say your last name?

Derrick Rossignol: Raw-sig-nahl; it’s French.

BS: Love it. I love it. No, it’s amazing. It sounds like a superhero, it makes me very excited.

DR: So I just moved into a new house, and for the first time, I have a yard and a porch, so I’m trying to figure out what my ideal Halloween decoration set-up should be.

BS: You wanna decorate that porch and your backyard?

DR: Everything, every square inch.

BS: Now am I allowed to dress you as well or is it just the area?

DR: Absolutely. I want you to paint me a picture of what me and my environment should look like.

BS: This is a lot to think about on the top of my head, I’m going to try my best. What if it was a series of… is there a swing, or a bench? What do we have?

DR: I can have one put in.

BS: OK, that’s very smart. Tell me what you have and I’ll work with it; What do you have?

DR: We have a front porch and a back porch, a small-ish house with some mulch and plants out front, then there’s a creepy door on the side that leads to the basement, so that’s probably an asset here.

BS: OK, in the creepy door, right at the top of that creepy door, you know what you do? Almost like E.T., you have candy that’s going from one thing to the other, and then on that bench, I want you to throw down that white jacket from Forrest Gump. I want there to be a box of chocolates, and when you open it up, it says, “Why are you being so nosy?” OK? I want it to go from there, to… I want there to be skeletons, but they’re dressed fancy enough where you feel like you’re not intruding, but like you’re enjoying a good time. People don’t know if they should be scared or be really thrilled that they’re invited. And then, when you get to that door, make it look like the scariest door in the world, but when you open it, it’s like a baby’s nursery and the baby’s quietly sleeping.

DR: How about candy, what kind of candy should I have? I’m big on the popcorn balls, but I know that might be a hot take.

BS: You know what I like to do? I like to take the outer shelling of candy and then put fruits and vegetables in them, so you think you’re eating candy, but in the end, you’re gaining wisdom and nutrition. So that’s one of the things I like to do. I call it “surprise candy.”

DR: I feel like Michelle Obama would have that.

BS: You know what I would recommend? Don’t buy them. I’d like you to put a lot of man hours into this. So really start researching all the products to make everything. I hate to be a bother, but I’d like you to start your own garden. I don’t want you using anything that’s not freshly grown. Grow the carrots, figure out the exact formula for everything you want to put on top of it. And if you could get back to me… I guess it would take approximately seven or eight months to grow those veggies out, I’ll probably look into it.

DR: I’ll tweet you, absolutely.

BS: Yeah, but I’m going to need posts on every platform, so if you’re going to tweet, you’re going to have to Instagram, Snapchat, and Friendster as well.

DR: And LinkedIn too, perfect. How about a costume for me? What should I wear?

BS: Costume for you? How tall are you?

DR: About 5’11”.

BS: 5’11”? OK, what do you look like, kind of?

DR: Just like any white guy, basically. Kinda thin…

BS: You look like any white guy?

DR: Yeah, most white guys look like me.

BS: Sure, then I’m going to dress you up as Crispin Glover from Willard.

DR: Perfect, because my hair from seven years ago was pure Crispin, so that’s perfect.

BS: I would throw that back, pop a rat on your left shoulder, walk around, and when people question who you are, get really pissed that they don’t know.

DR: And also refuse to tell them who I am.

BS: Oh wait, I got a better one, I got a better one: You should be… oh, you could be American Psycho also, if you want, but you know who you should be? You should be Willow-ard. It’s Willow, you’re going to be the lead character from Willow, but also you love a rat, so you’re Willow-ard. That’s what I want you to do, if you can do that.

DR: I can pull that off, I think. I’m down.

BS: Thanks, man. I hate to be a bother, but it’s almost something I need now or I won’t be able to work on.

DR: No, I understand. I don’t want to ruin your day by not coming through for you.

BS: Fantastic.